dazed.

I was once trapped in a phase where I didn't stop telling people about my broken heart, at that time it hurt. I still remember, even a little.

Eroded little by little, scattered with all the particles in the universe.
My destruction is scattered everywhere.

All I know is that now I am only a body that is dazed in a death of a feeling.
I was careless to continue to let my feelings be pounded by pain that I thought was nothing to me.
Evidently,
I am nobody.

I lost, my feeling was carried away and then killed.

Now what I want is an eternal departure,
So I can get back together with my feelings that I can't find in this universe.

it's not me, but it's me.

there's always a reason for me to go back here, and pour all my sadness in a wine glass - i mean in a classy way.
i am still the one who typed all these heart-broken poems, but somehow, i feel that i was never the same, because i am reminiscing the old me from what i have left in here.

i still remember the day i left in here, i have sew too many wounds on my heart which ends up being numb.
and i keep forcing myself as possible to keep working and still feel in love, even though i know it won't be normal anymore.
at that time, i met someone called logic. he taught me many things to stay alive, and of course, he taught me to keep falling in love.
and it feels, for this time, i fell in love with him, and gave up all my broken heart to be repaired by him.

we are engaged now, and i am planning to marry this man called 'logic'.
he taught me many things about life. to never use feelings too often, because feelings will always take you to all kinds of expectations and forget where you should base your feet. then, i agree.

but this is where the problems hit, people always called me 'selfish'. well, i am not offended, i feel that things should work this way.
i doubt it to claim that i fully understand the flow of life. because if it's yes, i'm so fragile with everything, and sometimes thing goes beyond my limits. well, if i say no, i always have a reason for everything, i will blatantly say, "everything happens for a reason".

well, for some reasons. logic put me through fragile situation.
one time, i sink myself in a bed of blood, crying, and i wasn't seeking for a help because i didn't want to.
by letting the razor dancing on my wrist, i wish to let go all of my sorrow.
it gave me a satisfaction, yet i know it will never heal.

"don't stop me", i whisper.
"i am the one who crave for this".

that's the only piece of words that i can clearly remember from whatever-happen-that-night.

my razor always called my wrist out for another dancing session. yet, i reject kindly and saying "not this time, come in the right time, and we will go for another dance."

i like to see my wrist dancing with my razor,
like i love myself building a commitment with the logic.

social anxiety stabbed me in the mouth and make me stammer.

i want to reach out the world with every single word that fallen down from my maroon-ombre colored lips.
well simply, i want to reach out and connected to a human with a single curve on my lips, followed by a hello.
with-it, i have to spill down the alcohol down to my throat and leaving the whole thing out with ease.
without having the alcohol to control my mind and my lips.
but that is what i find so difficult, feels like their gaze indicates that i am not a human being worthy of getting a word or two from their lips.

i want to feel safe and comfortable in every place that had my foot prints without leaving a heartbeat and making me feel so nauseous.
i want to be a human who feels the calm wherever i let my feet dance on the ground.
i want to calmly approach the people i know without i have to feel the burning sensation in my throat as i try to stand and walk.]
even sometimes i feel a little bit drunk - little bit tipsy while walking in a crowded place.
alcohol? it is unlikely they will permeate my body's stability for such a long time.
i had to lie every time people ask me why I couldn't stand up properly.

i am such a liar in living.

when I was a little,
i wanted to be someone that everyone knows and admit about my existence on this planet.
but when i grew up,
i want to be like every person that i know.
they always have friends to talk to in their spare time, in every single minute, and while seconds ticking down slowly from 02 to 59.
spend one, then two cigarette butts and let their ashes lie in an ashtray.

and me?
mourning on the ashtrays and ashes,
it's scattered
and that's what i feel every day.

i love listening to people telling me about their story with a person that they just showed me the picture.
it's a long, long story that maybe if it was me,
i wouldn't remember all those things well enough.
even i find it's so hard to remember what i did a few days ago, which way that i take when i was driving back home, and i can't remember how sweet was the kiss that my boyfriend gave me a few nights ago.
if you're curious about the thing that always stuck in the back of my mind.
it was just about a deadly awkward thing when the cashier waited for me to put in all my money and wait for me to leave the place and disappear from their gaze.
that gave me the most major heartbeat, like i was about to faint in every single cashier's place.

social anxiety always leaves me stammering to death.
like the moment when i use the wrong vowels in a word between a conversation.
and made me look like i don't even pass my elementary school spelling class.

naked.

i love the way he undressed my feeling.
then put his love to mine.
and i feel so happy,
as happy as a kid with their new clothes and dancing with full of joy in a winter night.
either you're feeling warm or comfortable.

i love the way he undressed my mind.
then put his love to mine.
this time i feel poisoned,
my brain is filled with everything about him, like there's no room for me to put anything else, it's dizzying, but i never complain.
he deserves to take most of the space in my mind, he pays for the rent.

i love the way he undressed my soul.
then put his love to mine,
this time i don't feel lonely,
i feel his soul is in my soul,
united and tuned.
everything feels so perfect.
it's driving me crazy.

and i love the way he undressed my body.
taking off all the clothes that cover my body.
i'm craving for his touch to scratch every inch of my skin,
his lips marking their territory in every inch of my pores,
and pretending to punish me with a soft bites.

and once he leave,
i'm just a naked soul.
with naked feeling,
and naked minds.

unblessed.

always.

when we saw someone's living as our expectation, we feel unblessed, automatically.

expectation always keep us living in a beautiful place called heaven then forgot that our feet is stepping on a hell, so that's why there's this saying, "you never take a walk on their shoes", because hell is in our shoes.

the place where we can feel the long road of our lives.

you can never feel anybody's hell.

but hell is hell.

but the way hell torture us is different.

mine?

i wish i could be in someone else hell.
because their hell don't seems like hell to me.
and my hell, don't seems like hell to the one who's dying to have life like mine.

because we are just too adapted to our pain, that it slowly rooting inside your soul, and it grew.
no cures.

you can always make the twigs broken, but you can never deprive the roots.

unless if you make your body returning to hell.

kill yourself - and feel more unblessed.

such a hell that you missed out so many things.

(021)-3

03.00 am

the cold air of Jakarta penetrate beneath my pores.
the smell of Jakarta, a mix of pollution and memories, it tighten my lungs.
i spread my hand outside the car window and feeling it, it still the same Jakarta.
the building lights, the car lights, it driving me crazy, it's too beautiful.

i came here for a soul that has been missing, i've been missing my pain.
it's been a year i haven't feel any pain somewhere inside my lungs, my heart.
i want to take a sip of a wine glass full of pain.
and let them drowning inside me and burn my throat and make me cry.

13.00 am
time is flying so fast.
just like how a bird flapping their wings.

the one that i called my pain is here.
i can see it through my pupil that expand itself when i saw him.
the one that i called my my pain is here.
i can feel it that he's inside my arm -- his bones, his skin, everything.
he is inside my arm.

our eyes met after 349 days we've had enough of talking in the virtual world.
our skin is scratching each other after the last hug we've had on 349 days ago.

have you ever feel so happy when you can feel someone skin touching against yours?

---

getting stuck in the traffic jam with you is the only thing that i want.
holding your sweaty palm hands, i'll hold them, even if we had to create a river, i volunteer.
having your sight into me is all that i want.

have you ever feel so numb, that you cry while you're typing this?
i can't pour all this emotions..
please drag me back to track.
i'm getting so messed up. 
i'm sorry.
i cried.

all these memories are making my brain explode.
i can't let go of the vision of seeing you looking at me.
looking at you sipping on my coffee that you don't like.
holding my hands.
help me carrying my bags.
strolling around in the clothes rack.
sitting side by side.
your smile.
your lips.
your voice.
the motion how you move your hands.
the motion how you turn your head to look at me.
the motion how you try to getting ruined of my cigarettes smoke.
the motion how you try to connecting through my soul.

i'm sorry, i messed up the writing.

will you close your eyes, and bring out your inner peace again, next to me?
i mean, sleeping.

will you let me play with every piece of your hair, so that you can go to sleep peacefully?

lay with me in the back of the car again, will you?

03.00 am

let the blanket be the witness of our soul that has been missing for each other.
all these phone calls.
all these video calls.
they ain't something now.
why can we just talk to each other, just like how we used to do it?

it's a late night where most of the time we stopped talking.
but i feel like all my brains and my inner organ are being active.
my blood is rushing.
and my heart is pumping 100 times faster than before, i almost die.

your breathe is getting closer to mine.
he press and rub his nose against mine.
i can feel his breathe is getting closer than before.

"teach me."
"do you really think i'm the one who deserve it?"
"we don't really have that much time."

the way his lips touch against my cheek makes me feel like i'm the most innocent person in the world.

i don't know in which second did the clock ticked when i can feel something on my lips, it sucked in all my broken pieces.
i had your tongue twisted against mine.
i let my soul thanked the God for letting me feeling His beautiful creature.
all this skepticism has been answered.
he thinks i'm the one who deserve his first, is killing me.

i saw the gestures of his lips trying to string words to say those 2 words, 2 words to thank God for His holy grail creatures.

yes, my eyes speaks.
my eyes speaks, why in the world i could never have you.
why in the world we've got to have something that couldn't make us as one, when all this people think that we just trying to trespass the path that we shouldn't take?
why in the world i was born to taste all this sweetness that turn into bitterness when i don't have you again by my side?
why in the world i was born to see you trying to save someone else feeling when you don't even save mine?
and why in the world, i was born to meet you?

i'll see you in another 3 am in Jakarta, i need my medicine.

your love.

love is a lust.
love is a sin.
love is a grace.

his kiss is a grace.
his touch is a grace.
his soft moan is a grace.
his tender lips is a grace.
his dancing tongue is a grace.
they make me want to have even more.
but i was dragged step by step to hell.

your love is a hell.

i have that burning sensation every time you're around.
you're a sweet devil trying to snare god's creature.
i am burning.
i can't do anything.
so, please do anything to me, because your love is a pleasure that i can't never had enough.

but each time you're around.
you keep making me burned.
it turned me into ashes.
and in a blink.
a piece of me
flew away
and you're gonna look for another piece of human.