switch button.

i'm still wondering how love could ever be such a switch button inside me.

as i wasted my time thinking, frustrating, all these delusions in my head, i start pulling out my hair when i can't find a words to write something about someone that i love.
i feel like i want to kill myself for not be able to create such a beautiful words for him.

i feel like i want to walk towards my window and open the bait, and jump from the highest floor wearing his sweatshirt with his perfume.
just to let him know that i'm dying for you.
when i found out that i was not the only girl that he fell in love.
how can i categorized as the girl who's not enough for him?

i don't understand why love can ever be this complicated.
more difficult than calculating sin cos tan, more complicated than counting the number of atomic particles on an object.
and more beautiful than those shining stars at night when i ever think of you, or when i was laying down with you on a cold sheet.

he sat there, in front of me.
and my minds trying to digest his words, because my brain can't concentrate as i was trying to admire the indentations on his face, his lips arch, his tongue trying to string words, with a secret message of which he might expect me to digest, and it could be just me who understand the meaning of it.
in fact i was able to beat the highest undergraduate of language and literature, because they certainly wouldn't understand, they had no idea, because its only me, myself, and i that understand, because only love knows everything.

love.
four words with untangle meaning.
when he likes the oldest picture on my Instagram, it's a form of love.
when we have the same interest, it's a form of love.
when he gaze into my eyes, it's a form of love.
when i relented for the sake of someone for him, it's a form of love.
when i tried to hold back a sense of burning in my throat and my eyes were red when i know that the reality is not like what i had been imagined, found out that he love someone who wasn't the manifestation of myself, and he give away everything that i expected from him easily, i might never know her struggle for him, but i guess my sense of sincerity supposed to be able to beat all her struggle, because sincerity supposed to beat every struggle, i know it's kind of selfish, but it's a form of love.

why does love could broke my heart?
and, why does it love if it's broke my heart?
but love is the most insane god's creation, it can make me smile for hours to the screen of my cell phone, I mean, staring at inanimate objects. it's crazy, right?
and love can also makes me touching myself in the middle night when i think of him, it's not lust, it's love, because i get so much adrenaline and unstable heart beat when it comes to him.

why does love smells like the most blooming flowers in a big garden, the most red colored, and the most enchanting?
and love play all my favorite acoustic song, as beautiful as boyce avenue.
and love taste like my favorite starbucks, everything with green tea in it, everything with whip cream in it.
and love, smells like his favorite perfume.

but love, kills me more than a disease.
"i love you too, but..." kills me more than "i'm sorry, you have cancer".
i feel like my souls is ripped by two, the one flew away, and the another one just fall down desperately.
it's bleeding, but you can't cure it, because the another one just flew away, looking for the match one.

and after all this thing.
why it has to be love?
how would you like to describe it?