to the guy who love my sins..

"you love my sins, and i love your pain."
- september 11, 2016.

i thought it was just going to be a random dramatic quotation from a DJ's song that we both love and we both sway across the city just to watch them.
until the universe made us met in the middle of my hometown city, accidentally.

we did know each other before, long long time ago before we met for the second time.
but i believe that there was this thing in the back of our mind; we thought the universe will never cross us again in another chance.
i thought you are just going to be a person that i'll just remember the face, no, just kidding.
if we didn't met, i'm 100% not going to remember your face, even your detail, or the way you talk.

"see you rave partner!"
our first conversation, ever.
never have i ever thought that our conversation will lasts for 1 year long.
crazy? it is.
one-fucking-year long, insane.
for me.
i'm the type of person who doesn't really love to keep in touch with someone that lives across city with me.
you're lucky.
or is it me?

we both have a pretty much similarity.
like, 2 years ago, we are the leader of a company.
yet you never realized that i was exist back then.
pity me.

we both love our favorite DJ's.
and one song that was suppose to makes us bang our head, but turns out to be our saddest song.
till it hurts?
was the song that we both jumped to together, was the song that i lay my head onto your shoulder, was the song that... makes me remember of you, and makes you remember of me.

crazy how we never met, but open up to everything.
like, there's this feeling, the chemistry, not those love-thingy that makes you go crazy whenever i see your name popping up, no.
i feel this feeling.
more than comfortable.
trust.
i trust you.
crazy?
yes.
we have never met again for a year and i trust you already.

everyone think that we should be a happy couple, they trust us for that.
but no, i don't want to hurt the distance, the ex-girlfriend of yours, and the wallet.
lol.
i'm going to be broke, because i'm the type of person that would visit you if i miss you.

have you ever dreamed about us meeting?
i mean..
do you think 24 hours is enough for us to talk about everything that went crazy between us?
from the moment where i still got a bangs and short hair, until it grows long, and i cut it short?
from the moment where you shave your beard until you grow back your beard again?
from the moment where you suddenly date this girl and made me cry until i accept the reality and feel this comfortable, that we decided to never date each other, but still make the others jealous?

does this sounds cheesy to you?

let's close this with some honest opinion.

do you know that girl love to be called as beautiful, randomly?
i'm a girl.
and i love it.
so, thank you for calling me beautiful and making me sure that i am.

because i know that you're not that type of the guy from the 1st day that i met you. :)

[ ps: oh, don't forget to count down the days, we still have 59 days left to have some phone call ]

reciprocal.

"i don't believe in religion-"

to be honest, that will makes the most interesting conversation, a complex talks, a forgot-to-take-a-sip of the drink kind of talks.

i'm pretty sure for some people, it'll not going to be a good idea. 

for me, a woman who strongly doesn't believe in religion, will giggle and nods my head proudly.

the one who believes that all these kind of things happen because its a reciprocal from what you have done, in your past, that you might kind of forget so you have no idea why it's happening, or you really sure that it comes from somewhere beneath your past. 

and..

i don't even know why this soul is sitting in front of me, wrapped by tan skin and my ideal kinds of man, and the things i love the most is because he doesn't believe in religion.

you're simply turning me on.

you're out of my thoughts. 

never done something in my past to brought you here in front of me. 

or maybe, i forgot..

but seems like,

i don't want to know you, if it's going to break my heart.

i've broke so many hearts in my past.

but i don't understand, 

i never want to bring these people to me.

so, i want to push them away.

that walks like a zombie through me.

looks like they're craving for my soul.

i pushed them away.

but this reciprocal, killing me.

why?

i never want these people, anyway.

i want you.

don't walk backwards. 

don't show me that you're a form of my reciprocal.

yet, you never truly have to be exist in my life.

i

want

you

darling..

should i blame god for this?

but which god should i blame?

we don't believe in religion, anyway.

to my lover.

i'm feeling like i'm on the edge of meeting someone new.

and trying to put my heart on the lines.

then they broke the lines, because they're unable to make a straight lines; they have a cylinder.

can you unmeet some people in real life?

that makes you fall in love, but leave nothing afterwards?

nothing beautiful like a glass of red wine and deep conversation.

my dear.

long talks, people come and go, you're trying to break in to my hearts.

walking down through these street lights, should i light the cigarettes, to light the way?

i wish i could write a long letter to my lover.

i wish you'd never leave.

these days people feed me with some kinds of romantic stories, i'm fantasizing. 

i wish you'd come faster, and love me now. 

let's just protect each other, to help the angels so that they don't get tired.

swipe.

swipe right.

it's a match! you and X have liked each other.

the world is trying to unite the souls that are separated for several kilometers.

but...

the swipe right has taken me for too far. 

he swipe right the door glasses in front of me.

he swipe the coffee stain on the table to the right.

he swipe my damp lips from kissing him to the right.

he swipe his hair to the right.

he swipe my blushing cheek to the right.

he swipe my bra straps to the right.

swipe right.

swipe right.

swipe right.

swipe right.

and i swipe my falling tears to the right. 

but our love wasn't right.

that i had to met you again as the choices offered.

i had to stumbled upon my screen for a moment.

for a second that i remember i used to gaze your picture and i thought you're the creature that i've been looking for all this time.

for a minute i feel that my bloods are rushing inside my veins, i feel the creeps, the euphoria, for having your name on my match list.

and for a week i still feel those pains from the moment that you swipe your invisible knife on my heart to the right, to the left, i thought you were right, but you left.

and for now.

the destiny had to swipe us left. 

switch button.

i'm still wondering how love could ever be such a switch button inside me.

as i wasted my time thinking, frustrating, all these delusions in my head, i start pulling out my hair when i can't find a words to write something about someone that i love.
i feel like i want to kill myself for not be able to create such a beautiful words for him.

i feel like i want to walk towards my window and open the bait, and jump from the highest floor wearing his sweatshirt with his perfume.
just to let him know that i'm dying for you.
when i found out that i was not the only girl that he fell in love.
how can i categorized as the girl who's not enough for him?

i don't understand why love can ever be this complicated.
more difficult than calculating sin cos tan, more complicated than counting the number of atomic particles on an object.
and more beautiful than those shining stars at night when i ever think of you, or when i was laying down with you on a cold sheet.

he sat there, in front of me.
and my minds trying to digest his words, because my brain can't concentrate as i was trying to admire the indentations on his face, his lips arch, his tongue trying to string words, with a secret message of which he might expect me to digest, and it could be just me who understand the meaning of it.
in fact i was able to beat the highest undergraduate of language and literature, because they certainly wouldn't understand, they had no idea, because its only me, myself, and i that understand, because only love knows everything.

love.
four words with untangle meaning.
when he likes the oldest picture on my Instagram, it's a form of love.
when we have the same interest, it's a form of love.
when he gaze into my eyes, it's a form of love.
when i relented for the sake of someone for him, it's a form of love.
when i tried to hold back a sense of burning in my throat and my eyes were red when i know that the reality is not like what i had been imagined, found out that he love someone who wasn't the manifestation of myself, and he give away everything that i expected from him easily, i might never know her struggle for him, but i guess my sense of sincerity supposed to be able to beat all her struggle, because sincerity supposed to beat every struggle, i know it's kind of selfish, but it's a form of love.

why does love could broke my heart?
and, why does it love if it's broke my heart?
but love is the most insane god's creation, it can make me smile for hours to the screen of my cell phone, I mean, staring at inanimate objects. it's crazy, right?
and love can also makes me touching myself in the middle night when i think of him, it's not lust, it's love, because i get so much adrenaline and unstable heart beat when it comes to him.

why does love smells like the most blooming flowers in a big garden, the most red colored, and the most enchanting?
and love play all my favorite acoustic song, as beautiful as boyce avenue.
and love taste like my favorite starbucks, everything with green tea in it, everything with whip cream in it.
and love, smells like his favorite perfume.

but love, kills me more than a disease.
"i love you too, but..." kills me more than "i'm sorry, you have cancer".
i feel like my souls is ripped by two, the one flew away, and the another one just fall down desperately.
it's bleeding, but you can't cure it, because the another one just flew away, looking for the match one.

and after all this thing.
why it has to be love?
how would you like to describe it?

deep(er).

i don't have any words left to describe.
coffee.
kisses.
sex.
cigarettes.
your eyes.
your smile.
these words won't elaborate.
they've had enough.

shit.
let me just write.
something about you that escort me to write this stupid poem.
the words won't elaborate.
everything's mixed just like my favorite drink.

---

i don't fear getting punished by god.
i really do want to taste something odd.
baby, it doesn't require your cold-blood.
i know it's my desire that need you always knocked.

he make me pleased.
the way he unclasped, the way he undressed.
i am getting snapped out every time he looks at me.
i knew that we were possessed by the lust souls out of nowhere.

baby, i wanna know.
which perfumes of mine that makes you allured?
which perfumes of mine that made you feel like you just broke down into my holy body?

it feels like gargling with vodka without lime.
when i find out that someone who i usually bowed down isn't there by my side.
under the dim lights.
pounded in that soft mattress.
i like the way your tongue linger down my body.
yes, you can leave a marks anywhere you want.

i want to be your big girl, daddy.
let me suck those lovely fingers.
punish me if i'm naughty.
and i wish that night will still lingers.

possessed.

04.00 pm
Light the cigars.
Tap-tap.
And she sips the coffee that drunken her - I mean, the thoughts of him that suddenly came after the coffee sip.

"I don't care about him anymore, not again. The way he undressed my life, leave me hanging naked, while he trying to fuck another girl life was not something that I expected. He thought that he's a God with his own blessings."

That's how it goes, everyday.

11.20 pm

She put on her favorite eye shadow, nudes color suits her the best.
Nude lipstick.
And her nudes picture is his favorite.
But he said that the way she put the lipstick on was sexier than seeing her undressed.
Yet he always had his eyes on her every time she undressed, and he was never there when he glide those lipsticks on.

She never had her fingers dancing on the top of a clean paper, instead on another shoulder of a man that he met randomly every night.
Her 16 years old' soul was pretty much left behind, dead already.
Her 17 years old' soul is possessed by every beautiful dangerous things.

The only thing she keep doing is shaking her hands and asking their name, though she never listens or put it somewhere on her mind, she's not interested, not at all.
All she wanted to do was dancing, and how she can passed this night without having some thoughts of him.

"Atleast I could have some good kisses, isn't all that matter?"

She sips another shot of Vodka, her cheeks are blushing, better than her blush-on palette.
Look prettier than Super Orgasm blush-on palette by NARS.
Her eyes are too low to see the reality that came up not like how she expected to be.
She giggled, and she yelled to her favorite songs.

"Do you think I'm too young for this?"

I guess no.
They never asked for her identity card, anyway.

03.29 am

"I love you-", he said.

She giggled.

"Let's just get this things done anyway, I don't need that", she said.

She no longer has that rushing blood, fast heart beating, sweaty hands, no.
All that she ever think is how to make the clock from 3 to 5, so she could escape this night, and crawling back to her blanket with his perfume smell that sticks out of nowhere or it's only her hallucination.

Love's sucks.
I guess that's the reason why every love story never ends like the way they expect it to be.