social anxiety stabbed me in the mouth and make me stammer.

i want to reach out the world with every single word that fallen down from my maroon-ombre colored lips.
well simply, i want to reach out and connected to a human with a single curve on my lips, followed by a hello.
with-it, i have to spill down the alcohol down to my throat and leaving the whole thing out with ease.
without having the alcohol to control my mind and my lips.
but that is what i find so difficult, feels like their gaze indicates that i am not a human being worthy of getting a word or two from their lips.

i want to feel safe and comfortable in every place that had my foot prints without leaving a heartbeat and making me feel so nauseous.
i want to be a human who feels the calm wherever i let my feet dance on the ground.
i want to calmly approach the people i know without i have to feel the burning sensation in my throat as i try to stand and walk.]
even sometimes i feel a little bit drunk - little bit tipsy while walking in a crowded place.
alcohol? it is unlikely they will permeate my body's stability for such a long time.
i had to lie every time people ask me why I couldn't stand up properly.

i am such a liar in living.

when I was a little,
i wanted to be someone that everyone knows and admit about my existence on this planet.
but when i grew up,
i want to be like every person that i know.
they always have friends to talk to in their spare time, in every single minute, and while seconds ticking down slowly from 02 to 59.
spend one, then two cigarette butts and let their ashes lie in an ashtray.

and me?
mourning on the ashtrays and ashes,
it's scattered
and that's what i feel every day.

i love listening to people telling me about their story with a person that they just showed me the picture.
it's a long, long story that maybe if it was me,
i wouldn't remember all those things well enough.
even i find it's so hard to remember what i did a few days ago, which way that i take when i was driving back home, and i can't remember how sweet was the kiss that my boyfriend gave me a few nights ago.
if you're curious about the thing that always stuck in the back of my mind.
it was just about a deadly awkward thing when the cashier waited for me to put in all my money and wait for me to leave the place and disappear from their gaze.
that gave me the most major heartbeat, like i was about to faint in every single cashier's place.

social anxiety always leaves me stammering to death.
like the moment when i use the wrong vowels in a word between a conversation.
and made me look like i don't even pass my elementary school spelling class.